In my last update I talked about the December craziness taking hold and squeezing me really tightly until I popped, leaving me in bed with flu for a week and unable to do much work on my book.

And I talked about my belief that we create our own reality, unconsciously, and, therefore, I created the pressure for a reason.

Having created some time over the Christmas break to properly stop and reconnect with my whole self, I believe it was yet another reminder to myself of who I really am.  A reminder to stay connected to the real, authentic me and stop trying to mould myself to fit into a largely extroverted world.

I have a classic introverted preference.  I crave connection with people who speak from the heart about their biggest fears and their biggest vulnerabilities, what fills every cell in their body with joy and how they feel about life, the universe and more.  Intimate relationships.

I love this explanation of intimacy and it also (for me) defines the space and relationship I aim to create for coaching clients:

“Real Intimacy is “in-to-me-see.” It is a meeting between two souls, an invitation to truly see with open eyes, without expectation or agenda. To hold one another in a safe space of neutrality—without judgement or personal bias. To keep out your own preferences, baggage, hopes, dreams and filters – and simply behold the other, in their raw and “naked” form. It doesn’t demand gifts and benefits, sexual prowess or conditional offerings. It merely asks you to show up as you are, fully revealed and present. It invites you to shed any pretences, and to drop into whatever is authentic for you in that moment. Real intimacy meets you where you live, not where you or anyone else wants you to live. It’s the big sigh of relief that arises when you finally know that you don’t have to put on a show to feel accepted. Here we are, just as we are. Hello. Welcome home.”  ~ Jeff Brown (excerpt from “Grounded Spirituality”)

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good party and I love a glass of wine or two (or three) with plenty of belly laughing but I also need my quiet, reflective, solitary time as I’m not good at small talk and feeling like I have to behave a certain way to fit in.

So this year is going to be different; it’ll be more about honouring who I am and what works or doesn’t work for me so I can be the happiest and healthiest version of me for those I love and care about.

The good thing about being ill before Christmas and not during the Christmas period, was that I got some time to stop and reconnect with myself in between Christmas and New Year.

Whilst the world was wondering what day it was and when the bin-men were coming, I was actually doing some work on my book!!  Hu-bloody-rray!

Sadly I haven’t arranged my Fuzzyfelt picture into a farmyard or circus scene (although I might buy one on eBay and do that anyway), I have taken off all the post-it’s from the flip chart and transferred all the notes into my book’s working-document.

AND I have finished Part 1 of the 3 parts that my book is going to comprise of.  I’m not sure that necessarily means I’m a third of the way through the process, as parts 2 and 3 are likely to be much longer than the first part, but it feels more empowering to think I’m a third of the way there, so I’m going with that thought.

As is often the way with writing (and speaking too), in my experience, I feel like I’ve got so much to say but get stuck with how I want or need to express it.

A metaphor I often use to describe the feeling is being in a theatre or large cinema and the fire alarm is going off.  I am sitting in the seat which is the furthest point from the fire exit and everyone is panicking and pushing and shoving to try and squeeze their way out of the only set of fire doors.  And yet, I know, if we all took some nice, long, deep breaths and walked slowly and calmly we would all flow out of the doors with ease into the sunlight beyond.

I know, if I create the space to be in a calm and present state (for writing and speaking), what I want and need to say flows out…into the sunlight.

I’ve recognised that this is another pattern which has taken me out of alignment with my authentic self and which writing my book is helping me let go of.  I know it’s an old, unhelpful pattern of thinking I need to rush to the end of something to get it finished.  Thinking I need to get it finished so it can be ticked off the to-do list and I’ll then have less to do and less to stress about.

However, trying to control a situation or an outcome is often a trauma response.  When we are attached to how something has to be, it’s typically a fear reaction, rather than trusting the timing and the flow of life.  That if it’s meant to be, it will be.

When we are trying to control the way something is going to happen, we are likely to be releasing fight-or-flight (survival) hormones into our body.  Yet when we trust the process and let go of trying to control an outcome, we allow ourselves to access the Parasympathetic (rest-digest) response, where we can be in the present moment and our energy can be used for healing and staying in homeostasis, rather than in a stress response where our mind and body are trying to defend us from a perceived ‘threat’.

So rather than feeling stressed that I’m nowhere near the end of writing my book and I’m still not entirely clear what I want to write and how I’m going to write it, I’m going to remind myself (again) that it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.  It’s about the healing that the writing process is generating.  And it’s about trusting that I will know what I need to write and how I need to write it when the time is right for me to write it.

And anyway, I’m a third of the way there! 😊

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With love Sarah xx