Coping strategies can be helpful to get things done but often when we “go round” something we need to “go through” in order to heal, it just perpetuates an ‘avoidance of self’.  We end up continuing to push away or disown parts of ourselves we’ve unconsciously learnt aren’t acceptable to others, aren’t good enough or aren’t worthy.

In my work with Neurodiverse individuals I recently worked with a man with a Dyslexia diagnosis.  He described himself as being terrible at spelling but he often had to capture meeting notes on a flip chart for team meetings.

But the minute he was handed the marker pen, he was that 10 year old boy at school being asked to read aloud to the class and all he could see were letters and words swimming across the page.  He’d feel his heart pounding in his chest, his throat contracting and his breath becoming shallower as he heard the teacher sternly repeat her instruction to him to concentrate and read.  All the while all the eyes of his classmates seemed to pierce into his heart with frustration and judgement.

Picking up the marker pen, he could feel the shame and embarrassment of not feeling good enough.  And in a desperate attempt to push away those feelings and avoid that 10 year old boy, who he’d learnt wasn’t good enough to belong, he’d stubbornly start writing on the flip chart in a form of shorthand which nobody else could read other than him; a coping strategy which he’d learnt could hide his bad spelling but also mask his fear that he wasn’t really processing the salient points of the meeting. 

All the while his nervous system was screaming this is a threat – you’re not safe in this environment and you need to RUN AWAY; the Flight response which was just trying to keep him safe and alive!  But he ignored those vital survival instincts in an attempt to feel worthy and good enough in that environment.

He ignored his vital survival instincts and masked his true feelings, which kept him in an unsafe situation.

But what if he were to listen to the warning signs from his nervous system?  What if he were to be open and honest with others and show them the real version of himself so he didn’t need to disown that frightened 10 year old boy who just needed a hug and some reassurance that he was ok?

I invited him to visualise that 10 year old boy frozen to the spot with fear and shame and to drop his adult self into the memory with him; his adult self who was resourced with knowledge, wisdom and experience.  And I invited his adult self to meet the needs of his younger self in that memory.  To SHOW him he was safe and he was loved and that nobody was going to make him feel scared and ashamed.

His adult self sat with him, with his arm around him and reassured him that he was ok and nobody was going to hurt him.  He slowly and patiently encouraged him to try and read a few words at the time so he could realise he was actually capable of reading the words and that he could stop them swimming around the page.  He breathed with him and encouraged him to continue to take small steps, praising him every step of the way until he’d finished reading the section of the book he’d been asked to.

He then turned to the teacher, on behalf of his younger self, and told them in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t to ever make anyone feel ashamed or embarrassed or not good enough again.  It was their job to support and encourage children to learn and grow and shaming anyone was never the way to do this.

And then he turned to the classmates and asked them what they were actually thinking about his younger self in that memory.  And slowly but surely they started speaking up saying they just wanted to jump up and help him read, they wanted to tell the teacher to shut up and leave him alone and they wanted to protect their friend.  None of them had been judging him but they’d been too confused and disempowered in a class where the teacher had all the power to speak up.

On hearing that there hadn’t actually been any judgement his younger self sobbed.  He sobbed in relief that he hadn’t actually been rejected by his peers, that was just his perception, and he sobbed to release the anger and fear and shame that that teacher had imprinted into him; into his belief system that that 10 year part of him wasn’t good enough.

Releasing the energy that had been frozen and stuck for all those years, enabled my client to start to play with the idea that his 10 year old self was with him in those team meetings.  And rather than ignoring the signs from his nervous system and pretending he was ok with writing, he started saying to his colleagues that he was Dyslexic and just needed a moment to process what was being said so he could capture the correct information.

He owned the fact he wasn’t very good at spelling and made a joke of it, which he noticed helped him relax and feel comfortable with it.  And guess what, his colleagues were kind and understanding, offering to help clarify what needed to be captured and helping him spell words if he was struggling.  One of his colleague even disclosed that they struggled with exactly the same issues!

When we hide parts of ourselves we’ve learnt to believe aren’t good enough we stop people connecting with the true version of ourselves, from the heart.

Play with being all that you are because the people who mind don’t matter and the people who matter don’t mind!  Dr Seuss

With love as always

Sarah xx