Today I’ve done something a bit unusual.  I’ve taken everything out of my diary.  I’ve listened to the early warning signs my body is sending me to slow down before I go into a tailspin and I’ve honoured it.

When I say it’s unusual, it’s not that I don’t normally listen it’s more that I don’t always HEAR.  I’ll listen to the message but then might negotiate with my body and decide on a compromise.  But today, I’m listening and I’m hearing.

Today I’m noticing the linguistics of me telling people I have a “splitting headache” and noticing the significance of the physical pressure I’m feeling in my head as I try and split myself in too many directions.

So today I’m making a clear statement to myself that I matter and nothing else in my life will work if I’m not looking after my own needs first, and hopefully modelling that for anyone else who needs the reminder.

There is research to suggest that most cells in the human body regenerate after approximately 7 years, although, at the individual level, cell renewal happens at different rates in the body.

Today is 7 years since my Mum died and it feels like a really significant day.  Not just because it’s the anniversary of her death and a day of reflection but because it feels like a hugely pivotal time.  It feels like I’m stepping into a huge and exciting new chapter of my life and releasing old stories and emotion that has been stuck in my body at a cellular level for years as a result.

And today feels like a day to nurture my physical body as the emotion works it’s way out, not surprisingly through pivotal points in my body…my hips and elbows.

On Tuesday this week, whilst doing my Equine Therapy work, I was walking alongside one of our beautiful equine partners.  He can often be a bit skittish and distracted but on Tuesday he chose to walk right by my side, totally in tune with my breath and my heartbeat.  He lowered his head and I could sense his heart beating in time with mine.  I knew I didn’t need to put any pressure on the lead rope or control him in any way.  We were completely connected and I trusted he was with me and alongside me.  And the symbolism and message was very clear to me.

Today feels like my Mum telling me to close the door on the past and open a new door into an exciting new future, knowing that she’ll always be by my side, along with all the other people who love me.

So the tears rolling down my face today don’t feel like sadness.  They feel like a necessary release.  A purging, cleansing source of love and power telling me to make the space to focus on writing my book rather than creating busyness to distract myself from writing.

So today as I sip homemade soup, all snuggled up in an over-sized hoodie and a dressing gown – it’s a good look – I am writing.  In fact today I am writing about my writing 😊.  I’m writing about the pain in my right elbow which feels like the fear associated with writing; the fear associated with feeling I don’t know what to write, what exactly I want to say or how to structure it.  And as I write about writing I can almost feel the relief flowing out of my elbow onto the page.  Taking with it the old story that I don’t know what to say.

And as I write about writing, I can start to feel the power and assertiveness of standing on my own two feet, with my weight evenly positioned over both hips, so nothing can knock me over.  I can start to feel the trapped emotion associated with not speaking my truth and not standing up for myself flowing out through the soles of my feet and along with it, the old story that people in (perceived) positions of authority must know more than me.

And I can start to feel the pressure in my head easing as I remind myself I don’t need to do it all now.  I don’t need to know exactly what I’m doing.  I don’t need to know exactly what I’m saying and I don’t need to know exactly how to structure it.  I just need to write.  And as I write, and come back into my body and out of my head, I can remember that I have all the answers within me when I make the space to hear them.

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With love Sarah xx