I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud but I’m writing a book.  My head keeps saying, “What are you doing, Sarah?  Stop telling people!”  But my heart just keeps pushing it out of my mouth!  My heart keeps reminding me of Hugh Laurie’s quote “It’s a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you’re ready.  I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There’s almost no such thing as ready. There’s only now…”

I know how uncomfortable it is to feel the fear and do it anyway – I’m supporting clients to do it all the time – so as always, I’m going to walk my talk, sip my own champagne and lots of other naff analogies.  I’m putting myself in the excruciatingly uncomfortable position of vomiting the contents of my heart and soul out into the world in order to process my own experience, embody my beliefs and hopefully, along the way, inspire someone else to take action or do something different as a result.

And what I’ve finally come to realise is I don’t need to filter what I’m writing to try and fit with other people’s perceptions or other people’s beliefs or stories.  I just need to write from the heart.  It’s my story – my values, my beliefs and my unique experiences.  Of course, it would be amazing if someone resonates with it and feels empowered to look deeply at what they’re creating in their life and choose to do something different as a result of reading it but ultimately, I’m creating it for me.

I now know that what emotionally triggers us about others is a signpost to what we need to heal or accept in ourselves.  I know I’ve been avoiding writing it for fear of not sounding credible, so I don’t sound like I’m talking nonsense or like a woo-woo tree-hugger or like I’m in denial about my own life situation; all things that have been said to or about me and indeed, which I have questioned about myself too!

And I’m genuinely grateful to the people who have emotionally triggered me to question whether indeed I am talking nonsense or am in denial, or am indeed a woo-woo tree-hugger, because they’ve enabled me to heal the emotional wounds in myself that caused me to doubt myself or believe it wasn’t ok to speak my truth.

But I now know beyond any doubt that my truth is MY truth and it comes from a deep place of knowing and wisdom about myself, so how can it be wrong?

A model that I use a lot in my practice as a Transformational Coach is the NLP Model of Communication.  The premise is that we take in approximately 4.2 million bits of information through our senses every second and clearly can’t process it all, otherwise we’d go mad, so we filter it.  We delete, distort and generalise information and we filter it according to our values, our beliefs, our memories and our language.

The result of the information going through those filters is an ‘internal representation’ of ourselves and the world around us – our “map of the world”.  However, it’s missing a lot of information, if you think about how much information we’ve filtered out.

As we go through life we become layered with other people’s stories about life and themselves projected on to us.  We are conditioned to think or behave in certain ways so we are deemed worthy of love, connection and belonging and as a result form limiting beliefs about ourselves; who we are and what we’re capable of.  We also embody negative memories or trauma.

We then filter new information coming in through our senses through these filters and disconnect from the true essence of who we are; the true version of ourselves who is capable of whatever we believe we are capable of.  Those layers take us out of alignment with who we are at the heart and they take us out of a state of homeostasis where the body is able to heal itself.

When our emotional, mental, physical and energetic ‘bodies’ are aligned we can feel it – we feel like we are in exactly the right place and everything is at peace – it feels free and we just KNOW we are being ourselves.  But when those layers interfere with that alignment we feel stuck, disempowered and fearful.  We become stuck in the past or fearful of the future.

Tim Gallwey in his book “The Inner Game” talks about performance being equal to potential minus interference and my role as a Transformational Coach is to support clients to let go of the “interference” – the beliefs, the stories and narratives (the meaning we attach to situations) which we’ve learnt to believe about ourselves, or the world, which have taken us out of alignment; away from the natural state of wellness/homeostasis.

One of the stories I learnt to believe about myself was that I’m not quite good enough to be seen; not quite loud enough, confident enough, or good enough at articulating myself clearly and concisely which were some of the reasons I learned it was better to hide.  To be a behind-the-scenes person and not be centre stage.  I learned it was better to surround myself with people who could talk for me or fill the perceived gaps in me.

Fast forward to today with over 10 years of personal development and growth under my belt (and a lifetime more I hope), I’m here to blow those stories and beliefs out of the water.

As one of my favourite authors, Brené Brown, says in her book “Daring Greatly” on the topic of shame, “How can you let people see the real you if you’re afraid of what they might see?”

So I’m writing my book with my younger self; the 19 year old who had no idea how to process and express her feelings so stuffed them all down with alcohol and lots of other unhealthy behaviours.

I’m writing it with my 17 year old who found it really challenging to analyse and write essays about DH Lawrence books for her A Level English but who secretly loved the satisfaction of getting into the zone and allowing her thoughts and feelings to flow out of her body, through the pen and onto the page.

I’m writing it with the young girl who got lost in the colours and textures of creating paintings and drawings and the young girl who got completely absorbed in the story and tune of a song – even if it was something ‘deeply meaningful’ by Wham or Duran Duran 😊 – as they all suggested a world where anything was possible and all that mattered was the present moment.

And I’m writing it with the shy, introverted little girl who loved to observe people and the world and listen, verbally and non-verbally to everything that was going on, but who learnt that it wasn’t ok to be quiet and that she was a bit boring and had nothing to say for herself.

And in the process of re-integrating all those parts back into me and loving my whole self, I can stop looking for health and happiness outside of my ‘self’.  I can feel the freedom and peace within myself – the freedom to be me – and in the process attract health and happiness.

The quantum field, through which we are all connected energetically, responds to a state of being.  When our thoughts and feelings are aligned we create our reality.  It doesn’t respond to what we want it responds to who we are being.  And from that coherent state of being, I can imagine the life I want to create as if I’ve already achieved it.

Well the truth is, yes I’m still afraid of being centre stage but I’m going to do it anyway because I’m no longer ashamed of what people might see.  I’m proud of my scars and my weaknesses and my imperfections because they’ve led me to where and who I am today.  I’m proud to be me and I’m proud to share my story of how I am healing myself from cancer holistically (and already have if you believe in quantum creation); my truth and journey back to a state of homeostasis and peace.  Freedom to be me.

And here’s my disclaimer for those who need to hear it.   I’m sharing my story with the intention of empowering others to reconnect with their own inner knowing and wisdom so they can make the right choices for them.  I want to empower people to love and heal their whole ‘selves’ and feel free to be themselves.   I’m not suggesting people don’t take medical advice or follow conventional paths to healing.  My intention is to encourage people to reconnect with their whole selves – mental, emotional, physical and energetic bodies – and listen to the infinite wisdom that is available when we choose to hear it, as opposed to living in fear and  feeling they don’t have choices.

If you’d like to receive updates about my book progress please sign up here.