What a difference a year makes.

This time last year things were very different.  I had just been surrounded by poppies, completing a photo shoot to update my website images, as poppies are what my brand is based on.  But what the photos don’t show is what was actually going on behind the scenes of the smiling images and beautiful flowers.

I had been searching for a field of poppies to have the images taken, but they hadn’t come out in my local field like they usually do.  I’d managed to find a beautiful bank of poppies along a quiet, country road towards Learning to Listen, where I do my equine facilitated coaching.  However, the night before I was due to have the photos taken, there had been torrential rain. I arrived for the shoot the next morning to find the poppies sodden and battered down by the rain.  My skilled photographer was unphased by that and said she could make it work, but as we started the shoot it started to drizzle!

My smile turned to a bit of a grimace as I could feel my perfectly straightened hair starting to go frizzy, and I sat (literally) in the road in front of the battered down poppies!  This quiet, country road where I barely pass another car when I drive along it, apparently turns into the M1 on a Saturday morning and I was effectively sitting on the hard-shoulder!   To add insult to injury the road had just been resurfaced with the loose chippings Council’s use when they don’t have the budget to use tarmac and the constant stream of cars was causing the chippings to flick up into my face!

Despite the photo shoot not being quite as planned, my lovely photographer managed to make the photos look serene and beautiful… with a little bit of help from Photoshop.

But the photos didn’t show what was actually going on behind the scenes and nor did they show that I was one month into a 6-month course of chemotherapy.  And although thankfully I didn’t experience too many side effects from the chemo, which I believe was due to all the holistic therapies and approaches I’m committed to, it wasn’t a choice I wanted to make and I felt disempowered.

Fast forward a year and I feel amazing.  I am choosing life and my focus is on being well; emotionally, mentally, energetically and physically.  My focus is not on the ‘problem’.  This is not a denial of my reality but a conscious choice to choose my own reality as I know the way I feel affects what happens in the cells in my body.

However, the path to healing is not always straightforward and I need to keep checking in with myself that I’m still on the right track and not slipping into unhelpful behaviours and habits.

This year for me has all been about reconnecting with the happy, carefree side of myself and having fun again, after a difficult couple of years.  And I’d say I’ve nailed that goal only 6 months into the year 😊.  Whilst I know that feeling good and having fun will be having a positive impact on the cells in my body, it’s made me look at my association with fun and the beliefs I’ve got about having fun.

Like many people, I have an association with having fun and alcohol as I love nothing more than a few drinks with friends, sharing stories, putting the world to rights and having a big ol’ belly laugh.

But I know I’ve made a connection between having fun and having a drink or two and I’m really aware my ‘fun driver’ is leading my life with that mindset at the moment, which is not necessarily keeping me on track with my healing goals.

So, just as I would be asking a client to explore what they might be avoiding when they are potentially numbing their feelings with alcohol, I’ve been asking myself the same question.

And it was a hard one to answer, as I’m feeling so well and hadn’t felt I was numbing anything.  I hadn’t felt like I was avoiding feelings I didn’t want to feel and I felt I had been good at feeling my feelings and allowing any emotion to flow through me, rather than suppressing it.

However, on deeper reflection during a coaching supervision session, I realised that I was actually avoiding the quiet, sensitive, introverted side of me who is a big reflector, and who likes to read and write to make sense of the world. The same sensitive girl who felt utterly terrified being told she had cancer and disempowered when she felt her power to choose her own path was taken away from her last year.

In the moments where I poured a glass of wine without asking myself “Why am I having this?”, I wasn’t listening to what she was feeling and what she needed.  Those were the moments where I wasn’t consciously choosing my own path but allowing unhelpful behaviour patterns to control me.

So today, I sat with that quiet, introverted little girl over my morning coffee and asked her what she needed.  She wanted to go for a long run with our (borrowed) dog through the poppy fields in the sunshine.  She wanted to listen to 80’s music and transport herself back to the carefree years of listening to Madonna, Spandau Ballet and Duran Duran in her bedroom, with her legwarmers on singing into her hairbrush (with nobody watching, obviously).  And then she wanted to write to make sense of how she was feeling.

And it was the most amazing, simple and carefree fun I could have had.  Running through the poppy fields in the sunshine with Cookie the dog, singing along to The Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me”, Buggles’ “Video Killed the Radio Star” and Irene Cara’s “What a Feeling” felt fabulous (and yes, I did the dance).  What a feeling indeed.  And not a beer in sight.

Abandonment of self (or a part of yourself) can cause dis-ease in your body.  Which part of yourself are you avoiding?  Which part of yourself did you learn wasn’t as loveable or acceptable as the other parts?  Allow them in.  Listen to how they’re feeling and what they need.  Express your whole self.  Love your whole self.

With love Sarah xx