I’ve come to realise I have a real issue with leaf-blowers. Not the tool itself, you understand, but the behaviour that it can manifest in the hands of a human. Blowing the leaves into a pile so you can pick them up and compost them, or dispose of them in a ‘green’ way, is, of course, responsible and practical. Blowing them off your property and onto next-door’s property or into the road is passing the problem onto someone else to manage or deal with the impact.

How often do we see this behaviour in humans too?  Rather than take responsibility for dealing with issues which are our responsibility, we shift the problem onto others by blaming them for a communication breakdown or a challenging situation which has occurred.

As humans we are approximately 93% unconscious; we run on unconscious, habitual patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving. However, many of these habitual patterns will be unhelpful and outdated. The source of the patterns is likely to have been a way you learnt to ‘survive’ when you were younger.  For example, you may have learnt that it wasn’t safe to express anger as you got told off or it wasn’t safe to cry as you worried your parents or you were only acceptable if you made people laugh.

When we can raise awareness of who we are underneath all of those unconscious, unhelpful learnt patterns we can choose to take responsibility for practising new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving which are more appropriate for our lives as they are now.

If someone triggers us into an emotional reaction, it’s an opportunity to explore why we are reacting in that way. Maybe secretly (unconsciously) we believe we are not very interesting or not as much fun as other people to be around but rather than admit that to ourselves, and start the process of disproving that limiting belief, we feel sad for not being included in a night out or for not feeling very significant in a group of people.

Or maybe secretly (unconsciously) we believe people will only love us if we look after them and put their needs before our own. But rather than admit that to ourselves, to start the process of believing we are lovable just the way we are, we unconsciously perpetuate the limiting belief that other people are more important than us.

I have talked about the The Karpman Drama Triangle in my previous blog ‘Be aware, be very aware’. Stephen Karpman’s model explores the connection between personal responsibility and power in conflicts, and the destructive and shifting roles people play. It was originally based on the Transactional Analysis model as proposed by Eric Berne in 1950’s. He defined three roles in the conflict; Persecutor, Rescuer (the one up positions) and Victim (one down position). Karpman placed these three roles on an inverted triangle and referred to them as being the three aspects, or faces of drama.

If you are unaware, The Drama Triangle will arise in a conflict situation and you will unconsciously step into one of those three roles and unconsciously bring other people with you into it. You will be, at some level, getting your unconsciousness needs met.

The Victim‘s stance is“Poor me!” The Victim feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed, and seems unable to make decisions, solve problems, take pleasure in life, or achieve insight. The Victim, if not being persecuted, will seek out a Persecutor and also a Rescuer who will save the day but also perpetuate the Victim’s negative feelings.

The Rescuer‘s line is “Let me help you.” A classic enabler, the Rescuer feels guilty if he/she doesn’t go to the rescue. Yet his/her rescuing has negative effects: It keeps the Victim dependent and gives the Victim permission to fail. The rewards derived from this rescue role are that the focus is taken off of the rescuer. When he/she focuses their energy on someone else, it enables them to ignore their own anxiety and issues. This rescue role can also be pivotal as their actual primary interest may be an avoidance of their own problems disguised as concern for the victim’s needs.

The Persecutor insists, “It’s all your fault.” The Persecutor is controlling, blaming, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritative, rigid, and superior.

So understanding your WHOLE SELF and why you might have been triggered into Drama can be a signpost that some old patterns need to be explored and healed. Understanding what is your responsibility (and communicating that) and what is someone else’s will create a healthy boundary for both of you.

Blowing your leaves onto your next-door neighbour’s property suggests to me a lack of awareness and lack of personal responsibility. So my invitation would be to clear up your own ‘leaves’ and allow your neighbour to clear up theirs.

Coaching can help you identify which are your leaves to clear up and which ones you need to leave for your neighbour to clear.

Read my blog ‘Be aware be very aware’ for further reflections about the Drama Triangle.