As a Coach, I live and breathe empathy.

If someone behaves inappropriately (whatever our interpretation of “inappropriate” might be), I will always look underneath the behaviour to the “why”.  What is the unmet need for this person causing them to behave the way they are behaving?  Maybe they are pushing people away because they’ve experienced hurt and rejection and are fearful of allowing someone back into their heart?  Maybe they are avoiding having to feel an emotion they don’t want to feel and, in the process, are projecting their fear or anger onto others rather than creating a safe space for themselves to feel it and release it?  Maybe they’ve created a narrative in their head that they want and need a particular thing in their life because they’re avoiding the fear of not being able to get what their heart actually wants, or of losing it if they do get it.

As always, I don’t have any of the answers as the Coach.  I just ask the questions to help someone raise awareness of what might be going on for them at an unconscious level.  Whatever the reason for the behaviour, the behaviour is NOT the person.

Boundaries are a vital part of self-love and self-compassion.  Boundaries make a clear statement about what is ok and what is not ok in terms of how you allow people to treat you.

As an Equine Facilitated Coach, I’ve seen time and time again how amazing horses are at demonstrating the importance of boundaries to aid connection.  Horses feel safe in your energy and will listen to you and respect you when you clearly communicate what is ok and what is not ok, in terms of how they are behaving in your presence.  And this is exactly the same for people.

All people have emotional needs to feel safe, loved and respected.

But living and breathing empathy, I find myself sometimes allowing my boundaries to slip.  I find myself justifying unacceptable behaviour because I can see why someone has behaved the way they have.

Historically, being on the receiving end of unacceptable behaviour (as I perceived it), as a result of my lack of boundaries, would tip me into sadness and a bit of a victim-like state, which would often take me a while to move out of.  See my previous blog on The Drama Triangle which is one of my favourite models to explain the Drama states we will unconsciously go in to when we avoid taking personal responsibility and owning our behaviour.

However, a recent experience of me not holding my boundaries and not clearly communicating what was NOT ok for me, took on a slightly different form.

Having encountered a situation where I felt I’d been treated dishonestly and disrespectfully I found myself feeling intensely angry.  Of course, underneath anger is hurt….and betrayal and humiliation in this particular case.

All emotions give us vital information about what feels safe or unsafe or happy or sad.  Anger is a vital emotion as it shows us where someone has stepped over our boundaries or there is a value clash.

But anger is not an emotion that sits comfortably with me.  My early messaging (unconscious programming) without apportioning any blame, was that it was not acceptable to express anger.  Somewhere along the line I learnt anger was a “bad” emotion and I wouldn’t get my needs met or I’d be rejected if I expressed it.  So I suppressed it.  I pushed it all down.

One of my heroes, Dr Gabor Mate, talks about the impact of the suppression of anger, particularly in relation to cancer, and I’ve written about this in my forthcoming book, “Trust” (which I am writing…very slowly).

So this sudden surge of anger for me came as a bit of a surprise.

I know, from the work that I do, that when someone triggers you there is likely to be something in you that needs to be acknowledged, owned or healed.  There are “mirrors” everywhere if we choose to look in them.

So my exploration of the anger I was feeling, because I felt I’d been treated dishonestly and disrespectfully, was an opportunity for me to acknowledge that.  And in the process, I realised I hadn’t asked enough questions in this particular situation. I hadn’t respected myself and hadn’t been completely honest with myself about what I wanted and needed, and I hadn’t communicated that clearly enough.

Acknowledging that allowed me to recognise how I’d co-created the situation and enabled me to take responsibility for my part in it.

But, because we are energetic beings and anger is a higher vibrational frequency than sadness (emotion is energy-in-motion) it also allowed me to step into my power rather than get stuck in sadness.  It provided the fuel within me to put in a boundary, respect myself and take action to assertively communicate that the behaviour was absolutely not ok, from my perspective.

It provided the fuel for me to take responsibility for doing what I know makes me feel valued; connect with precious friends and family who love and respect me and re-ignite my spark and my fighting spirit, step up my self-care and show the little girl within me that she is safe and loved and I will protect her.

And ultimately, it enabled me to be grateful for the experience, as it had provided important learning and wisdom and, in the process, I could let go of the anger, so I was no longer holding the emotion within me.

And it enabled me to move forward into my next chapter with positivity, self-compassion and reconstructed healthy boundaries.

It also reminded me of one of the most symbolic songs of my life, which was playing on my iPod in my ears as I headed towards my live assessment for my first coaching qualification, nearly 10 years ago (which was bloody amazing, by the way)!  A very symbolic message that I’m capable of overcoming any challenges or obstacles in this wonderful thing called the human existence.

Here’s a little snippet of those lyrics from “Superheroes” by The Script.

When you’ve been fighting for it all your life
You’ve been working every day and night
That’s a how a superhero learns to fly
Every day, every hour, turn the pain into power

Finally, as I alluded to in my previous blog “Endings”, it gave me further evidence that I will never close my heart down because of pain or disappointment.  I believe that life is a gift, and we are meant to create something beautiful in the short time we are here.  And just like the poppy that my brand is based on, I believe we are beautiful, vulnerable beings and when we connect from the heart with other humans, we are powerful, and have the capability to create something phenomenal in the short time we are here.

When we can be honest with ourselves and allow ourselves to feel and release whatever emotions we are feeling, we can tune into our truth and our power and be the superheroes we are all put on this planet to be.

With love as always.

Sarah xx